July 15, 2011: In honor of Harry Potter VII, The Deathly Hallows Part II

With the last Harry Potter film out in theaters today, I wanted to share some of my favorite Harry Potter gags from around the intarwebz.

(click the picture if you can't see the animation)

Why Harry Potter should have carried a 1911:

Ok, this has been driving me crazy for seven movies now, and I know you’re going to roll your eyes, but hear me out: Harry Potter should have carried a 1911.

Here’s why:

Think about how quickly the entire WWWIII (Wizarding-World War III) would have ended if all of the good guys had simply armed up with good ol’ American hot lead.

Basilisk? Let’s see how tough it is when you shoot it with a .470 Nitro Express. Worried about its Medusa-gaze? Wear night vision goggles. The image is light-amplified and re-transmitted to your eyes. You aren’t looking at it–you’re looking at a picture of it.

Imagine how epic the first movie would be if Harry had put a breeching charge on the bathroom wall, flash-banged the hole, and then went in wearing NVGs and a Kevlar-weave stab-vest, carrying a SPAS-12.

And have you noticed that only Europe seems to a problem with Deatheaters? Maybe it’s because Americans have spent the last 200 years shooting deer, playing GTA: Vice City, and keeping an eye out for black helicopters over their compounds. Meanwhile, Brits have been cutting their steaks with spoons. Remember: gun-control means that Voldemort wins. God made wizards and God made muggles, but Samuel Colt made them equal.

Now I know what you’re going to say: “But a wizard could just disarm someone with a gun!” Yeah, well they can also disarm someone with a wand (as they do many times throughout the books/movies). But which is faster: saying a spell or pulling a trigger?

Avada Kedavra, meet Avtomat Kalashnikova.

Imagine Harry out in the woods, wearing his invisibility cloak, carrying a .50bmg Barrett, turning Deatheaters into pink mist, scratching a lightning bolt into his rifle stock for each kill. I don’t think Madam Pomfrey has any spells that can scrape your brains off of the trees and put you back together after something like that. Voldemort’s wand may be 13.5 inches with a Phoenix-feather core, but Harry’s would be 0.50 inches with a tungsten core. Let’s see Voldy wave his at 3,000 feet per second. Better hope you have some Essence of Dittany for that sucking chest wound.

I can see it now…Voldemort roaring with evil laughter and boasting to Harry that he can’t be killed, since he is protected by seven Horcruxes, only to have Harry give a crooked grin, flick his cigarette butt away, and deliver what would easily be the best one-liner in the entire series:

“Well then I guess it’s a good thing my 1911 holds 7+1.”

And that is why Harry Potter should have carried a 1911.

[authored by Whind_Soull]

Or maybe he should have carried a S&W Model 29 a la “Dirty Harry Potter”

[Shirt design by T-Shirt Laundry]

Apparently Hermione got the memo too.  Is that a version of Hellboy’s gun?  Sweet.

Thanks J.K. Rowling, for a decade’s worth of entertainment.  I can’t wait for the prequel series.

(“Spoons”…  Heh.)

How To Build an Ammo Can Rack (a.k.a the Overbuilt Shelf Project)

I’m getting a late start on my Spring cleaning but at least it’s in progress.  Shortly after beginning my effort to reduce, condense and catalog I realized that I had stashed ammo cans throughout the house in various closets, cabinets, etc.  As I began to gather them all in one place it became obvious that while it’s nice to have them neatly stacked and orderly, the chances are that whichever can you need at any given moment is usually the one on the bottom and on the second row back.   What I needed were shelves, very sturdy shelves.  Shelves that could hold several .50 cal cans full of nothing but lead (if need be – I bought bullets for a penny a piece from a caster that went out of business a while back and still have a few cans full).  I first looked at commercially available heavy duty shelving units from the Orange and Blue big box hardware stores but none were even close to the specific size I needed so I decided to build my own.  [Keep reading there will be lots of pictures a bit farther down]

Let me first explain that both of my grandfathers were of the opinion that “If one will do, five (or more) will do better.”  My paternal grandpa worked at the Carswell AFB machine shop building and fixing B-29′s, B-36′s, and B-52′s.  I have fishing lures of his that he made in the 50′s using spare titanium airplane engine shims.  Still no rust on those!  My maternal grandpa was a craftsman as well and the lake house he built has 3 times as much wood as any other house in the same subdivision.  I can personally verify that, as I had difficulty boring holes for wiring because the studs were so close together.  The lady that lives in that house now said all of her neighbors seek shelter there when the occasional hurricane blows through.  So with a double helping of the ‘overbuild’ gene, a few tools and measurements and some wood, I was ready to start.

I recalled reading a blog post of a similar project at Walls of the City a while back and found it again with a quick search.  My shelves were built based off that plan but with slightly altered measurements: they are 13″ deep and the space below the first shelf is slightly taller (9 1/2″) to accommodate cases of Winchester AA shotgun shells, MTM Dry Boxes, or the odd “Saw Box/Fat 50″ ammo can.  The remaining shelves are 8″ tall for standard .50 and .30 cal ammo cans and the overall width is 29″ which allows four “.50′s” per shelf with a little wiggle room.  Also, I did not include a center support.  I used 1/2″ plywood (instead of Linoge’s 3/4″) partly because it was cheaper and partly because it made the math easier.   About seven hand picked white wood (fir) 2′ x 4′ x 8′ studs were picked for the frame – looking for the straightest I could find.  For screws, I decided to try Spax #8 Construction (wood to wood) Screws in 2 1/2″ length.  They use a Torx-type bit to drive them (included in the box), were priced competitively and advertise “no pre-drilling required”.  My experience is that the ‘no pre-drilling’ claim is bona fide; I did not have any split boards and the screws finished nicely.  However, this project needed 140 screws* and the one pound box of screws said “approx. 130 screws”, so I made up the difference with some 3″ #10 coated deck screws on the back side to secure the shelves to the frame.  Those I pre-drilled with a countersink bit.

[*requires lots of screwing]

Tools used were:

  • Makita 10″ mitre saw w/ stand (for the 2×4′s)
  • 7″ Skilsaw circular saw (for plywood)
  • Craftsman industrial hand drill, corded
  • Speed square
  • Tape measure
  • Pencil
  • Wood glue, 1 medium bottle
  • 5″ Flexible bit holder (to attach shelves)

Rather than re-write Linoge’s post, I will instead post some pictures of the various stages and include a few notes along with them.

Beginning notes:

  1. Be safe – wear goggles when cutting, keep fingers that you want to retain away from spinning blades, etc.
  2. Remember the thickness of the saw blade and which side of the line to cut.
  3. Measure at least twice as often as you cut.
  4. Consider that when using a circular saw the best cut edge is on the bottom.
  5. Remember the thickness of the plywood when figuring shelf heights.
  6. Even though I used studs and plywood I still considered ‘presentation’ when assembling the shelves so that most ink stamps and knots were on the inside, underside or back of the finished work.
  7. Pictures shown here were taken with a cell phone so the distortion evident is due to the camera lens and angle of the shots, not due to haphazard construction
  8. There is no such thing as ‘straight wood’.
  9. Do not attempt this project if you live in California.

"Warning: This product may generate wood dust, a chemical known to the state of California to cause cancer"

Everything causes cancer in California.

Alright, here we go.

Set up to cut up

Preparing to build 'ladders' (note temporary spacers between 61" legs)

The long boards will be the vertical supports (legs) of the shelves.  I used 3″ spacers to keep the boards parallel.  Finished 2 x 4′s are actually 1.5″ x 3.5″ so a 3″ spacer makes a 10″ wide “ladder”; with the external horizontal supports in place the depth overall becomes 13″.

Adding 10" shelf supports (rungs), note spacer still in place. Every joint "Glued & Screwed"

Starting to build the ladders.  Use a straight edge to true the bottom edges to each other.  Do the top and bottom shelf supports (rungs) first, then add the other rungs shelf supports.  Work on as level a surface as you can.

A matched set of "ladders"

OK, I forgot to take a picture of the basics of the next step – but again I cut matched 26″ spacers for top and bottom that indexed against the vertical supports (legs) and the upper and lower most shelf supports (rungs) when laid on the ground.  This assisted me, working alone, to maintain parallel from top to bottom.  They also served as minor bracing to aid with assembly.  I attached the top and bottom exterior horizontal shelf supports (stringers) then worked on the middle ones.  I did one complete side (all glued and screwed), flipped the project and did the other side.

Horizontal supports ("Stringers"?) added. Spacers not shown.

Next, cut shelves from plywood using the circular saw.  My Skilsaw cuts a better edge on the underside, so I made sure the face of plywood I wanted to show on the top of the shelf was on the underside when I cut it.  Also I cut the top shelf larger to completely cover the top edges of the vertical supports.  Here’s another reason I used ‘half inch plywood’:

Thickness .453" --> That's right, it's .45 caliber plywood

Handy tip: Cut your own wood.  Don’t think you can get any kind of accuracy from the giant table saw at the big box hardware stores.  The complimentary cuts they offer are only good for fitting your purchase in your car.

Shelves added, secured with screws using flexible bit holder (and more glue)

So, how did it turn out?  Well, Spax says the shear load of each screw is 350 lbs maximum and I used six at each corner of each shelf but only four actually insert into the vertical supports so we’ll only count those.  So, in theory each shelf can hold at least 2.8 tons (glue strength is not factored in) and with 5 shelves that makes for a total of 14 tons of capacity… I’d say that’s fairly stout.  Then again maybe later I’ll add some more screws, you know, just to be sure.  Stay tuned for the action shot.

 “]

Finished Ammo Can Rack; Holds 24 std .50 cal. cans [Final size: 61.5" x 29" x 13"

Final notes:

  1. That was a lot of screwing.
  2. I plan to add some method of securing it to the wall. It would take a serious bump to knock it over but I tend to err on the side of safety.
  3. Now that I have most of my ammo cans together in one spot, my stuff is easier to find, sort, tally and also I’m re-discovering some neat stuff I forgot I had.  Like a pristine box of .357 Black Talons, for instance.
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